Finding a third
Say exactly who you want, meet as three over a drink first, and make sure the rules protect your third as well as you.
In swinger slang, a unicorn is a single woman, often bisexual, who joins a couple. A bull is the single man a couple invites in, often for hotwife play. Neither word is the problem. The hunting is.
Unicorn hunters chase a third with rules written entirely for themselves: be equally into both of us, play only with us, never meet either of us alone, and leave the moment anyone feels jealous. ABC News in Australia warned that a unicorn can end up feeling like a plaything for the couple's pleasure rather than her own.
The fix is simple. Treat your third as a person with wants of their own, not the missing piece of your fantasy, and give a single man the same respect. Our guide to swinging terms covers unicorns, bulls and hotwives in more detail.
A vague profile attracts the wrong people and puts off the right ones. Spell it out:
Our swinger profile tips show how to say all that and still sound like fun.
Where to look
Look where singles already go to meet couples. Weighing up sites? Our guide to good swinger sites sets them side by side.
On Find Swingers, single women and single men share one site with more than 1,900 couples, and everyone joined knowing what swinging is. Add threesomes to your interests, and VIP search filters let you look by distance, experience level and what people are open to.
Many clubs run nights that welcome single women, and some parties invite single men by name. Our page on swingers parties explains how guest lists work.
Couples you already play with often know a single they'd vouch for. A personal introduction is the warmest start there is.
Fishing for a third from a profile that shows only one partner is the classic unicorn-hunter move. Singles spot it straight away.
Both of you take part, from the first message. A third who only ever hears from one partner can't tell whether the other is keen, and that's usually the first thing they ask.
Let them ask questions and answer every one honestly, including the awkward ones about jealousy. A woman who joined a couple told Vice that she needed to feel able to ask questions, and that everyone had to be comfortable. And no pressure: if they want a week of chatting before a drink, enjoy the week.
Somewhere public that suits them, so they feel in control from the start.
If one partner is running late, wait. Meeting half a couple tells a third nothing.
Ask about their life, not just about what you want. People relax when they feel interesting rather than auditioned.
Agree to message tomorrow and let everyone think it over away from the table.
Our guide to your first swinger meet has more on where to go, and our safety page explains the verified badge worth looking for.
Couples' rules usually protect the couple: no kissing, same room only, nobody stays over. Fine. Your third needs protecting too, so agree the rules with them, not for them. Healthline's advice to couples inviting a man in works for any third: set clear boundaries, first with each other and then with them, and stop if anyone is uncomfortable or unsure, or if anything feels off.
Check in the next day, both of you. Ask how it felt for them, say what you enjoyed and be honest about whether you'd like to do it again. If one of you had a wobble, talk it through as a couple first, then be straight with your third: it was about you, not them. Plenty of thirds become regular play partners and friends, but rarely for couples who go quiet afterwards.
Approach couples the way you'd want to be approached:
Our page on swinging couples shows who you'll meet, swinger etiquette covers the manners they'll expect, and the rest of our swinging guides fill in the gaps.
A single woman, often bisexual, who joins a couple for a threesome or something more regular. The word itself is fine. "Unicorn hunting" is the problem: couples chasing a third with rules that only serve themselves. Treat her as an equal and the label stops mattering.
They describe who's in a threesome. FFM is two women and a man, usually a couple joined by a single woman. MMF is two men and a woman, usually a couple joined by a single man. Say which you want on your profile so the right single finds you.
Yes, every time. Meeting you together shows you're both keen and lets everyone check the attraction works three ways. Meeting one partner alone first breeds suspicion, and few things cool a promising chat quicker. Make the first drink a three, even if it means waiting a week.
Talk about it before you meet anyone: what might sting and what you'll do if it does. On the night, use a code word to pause rather than make a scene. Afterwards, deal with it as a couple first, then tell your third honestly. Feeling jealous is normal; blaming the third isn't.
Show both of you, say what you want and meet singles who like the sound of it.
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